Men’s pain

When is a man a man? Never have there been so many contradictory roles, clichés and role models. And never so many men who collapse under it. But this can be avoided if you recognize warning signs and accept help.

Tommy Gospic doesn’t look like someone who cries. Tall, athletic, broad back, well-trained, a winner. Nevertheless, he stands on stage and cries. What happened?
The now 44-year-old was a tennis professional. He almost made it to Wimbledon, “the machine was trimmed for high performance”. He ignored his back pain until he collapsed. Nothing worked, all that remained was a mountain full of debts. “I could have asked my parents for help, but my ego didn’t allow it. I have to pay for my debts myself.” Gospic gave tennis lessons, founded a tennis school in Switzerland, worked like a man possessed. He hired coaches and expanded. But instead of confidence, only concern grew. What if he failed again, “sank it again”?

Entrepreneurship as a top-class sport

Tommy Gospic, former tennis professional and entrepreneur: “What was achieved didn’t count, only the next goal.” Copyright: private

The fear of failure became omnipresent. Another club wanted to be coached by him, he felt no joy – only tormenting thoughts of having to pay another coach. His tax advisor reported that the 1 million franc turnover mark had been cracked – it didn’t affect him. “What I’ve achieved doesn’t count. Only the next goal. That’s how I knew it from sports.” When he says that, he begins to cry.
This time he gave everything away. He broke down his tents and literally fled. He would only have had to hand over the management of the company, only accept one of the many offers of help, “but real men don’t act like that.” Today, a few years spent inconspicuously as an insurance clerk and a few therapies later, he can finally talk. “Don’t burn out, burn your fucking ego,” he says.

Hitting the wall at full throttle

Dejan Stojanovic brought the “Fuckup Nights” to Austria ten years ago. Copyright: The Failure Institute

When is a man a man? When he eats his grief as a lone wolf? Or when he stands by his feelings on an open stage? Role models have never been so contradictory: from the woke do-gooder to the hit-and-run Rambo, everything is possible – and all shades in between.
Dejan Stojanovic also notices this, albeit from an unusual perspective. Ten years ago, Stojanovic brought the “Fuckup Nights” to Austria. Every month, people who have driven their company into the wall take to the stage. They talk off their chests about what has gone wrong so that others don’t repeat their mistakes. Stojanovic provides good energy and honest applause. It was on his stage that Gospic’s sincerity was cheered. “I heard two topics,” Stojanovic analyses, “on the outside the pressure to win, to come across as a winner. On the inside, the fear of not being good enough, of embarrassing yourself.”

Your Ego is not your Amigo

The former high-performance athlete Gospic is not alone with inflated expectations. Four groups of men are particularly easily crushed by their egos, Stojanovic knows. On the one hand, there are the self-employed entrepreneurs as well as the salaried middle managers (top managers already seem to be more relaxed). They are drilled to bite their way up with their elbows out, some in the fight for customers, others against hierarchies. Their ego whips them forward and does not forgive any mistakes. A bad advisor: “Your ego is not your amigo,” quotes Stojanovic.

Toxic machos do not only cause enormous damage in world politics.

Dejan Stojanovic

The second group is found in family businesses, especially in the context of generational handovers. The heirs are under pressure to succeed and fear of failure, personified by the overpowering father. This also affects the third group, which can be found in cultural circles with a traditionally patriarchal image of men. In addition to the fear of not meeting the expectations of the family, there is also the fear of shame in the community.
The fourth group is celebrating its renaissance: men deeply insecure from the woke years who emulate masculinity extremes à la Trump, Putin & or their testosterone-brimming social media blueprints. Some call them toxic machos, real guys others. They not only cause enormous damage in world politics, but often break down because of unattainable demands.

In search of solutions

Business psychologist and Spark founder Claudia Schwinghammer. Copyright: Andrea Kutilin

Let’s go into solution mode. The main imprints arise in childhood, says business psychologist and Spark founder Claudia Schwinghammer. That’s why she questions the family system in which a client seeking help grew up. Seeking help already requires initial insight. “The topics are usually: Who were my role models, what was the importance of performance, what are the expectations of me, what roles do I have to play?” The danger is to identify with these beliefs at some point. “Then you believe they come from within you.”
Some companies fuel such imprints: “When extreme motivation is demanded, even assumed, but not appreciated. I know a board member who says quite openly that in the morning in the underground car park he puts on his high-performer mask and in the evening he takes it off again. In between, he is not himself.” His employees are not doing well either. “I always ask about the leadership. Whether they are diverse or whether silverbacks are in power.” It is very bad for those who work under a narcissistic personality. Who never finds her way into therapy herself, “only her victims. That can take on unbelievable proportions.”

The main imprints arise in childhood.

Claudia Schwinghammer

Effective as a skin cream

Even if such a (professional) life is widely accepted, it destroys in the long run. “In one company, HR told me that they don’t yet have a need for psychological counseling. Only when they have a few more burnout cases.” No illusion: Anyone who has ever tipped over into an exhaustion depression will never be as productive as before.
The good news: While psychotherapy used to be almost exclusively a women’s affair, Schwinghammer now has 70 percent of male clients. However: “The pressure of suffering must be very great.” And the offer of help is “very cool: Men don’t like trials that drag on for a long time. They want clear words without a subjunctive and a therapy that works quickly and efficiently. You need to notice a change immediately. They also place the same demands on their skin cream.”

Recognizing warning signs

If you want to help, you have to listen carefully. Back pain, tension, sleep problems or seemingly harmless tics such as fear of flying often hide real anxiety disorders. Substance and addiction topics, from alcohol to hard drugs, are also suspicious. “One client said that only when he drinks a beer does he feel himself. Another says, only then he doesn’t feel the pain.” In the short term, says Schwinghammer, this seems to be a solution, “in the long term it doesn’t work out.”
Former tennis pro Gospic has also learned to read the signals. Today he prides himself on listening when once cheerful people are suddenly quiet and introverted. Then, he says, “you should lock yourself up with them and a bottle of wine and only get up when they have spoken – and then keep at it.” He knows what he’s talking about: “A friend saved my life with it.” What you should not do under any circumstances: “Advise someone to go on vacation. He takes his worries with him on vacation.”